Why I've Decided to Embark

I'm not expecting anyone to read this, this is not about you anyway. This is about my journey, my struggles, my thoughts and my process. There are so many things I do not like about myself, so many things I want to change. This journey is a detox. A detox for not only my body, but my mind and the relationship I have with food.

I have realized I have a crutch with food. My current employment causes a lot of stress, and because I do not want to start smoking/drinking, the only option left that was logical was food. Chocolate or candy bars every day sometimes twice a day, thanks to the vending machine. That is just at work. While I'm at home it's not as bad, but there is a lot of eating that is just "bored" eating. So I tend to over eat while I'm at home, going to the fridge too often for something to snack on.

I'm also really lazy.

Hard to admit, but it's true. Since I've started working, I have stopped wanting to cook. I went to pbj's, grilled cheese, cereal for dinner....etc. Because it was easy and fast. I wanted the fastest way to get food in my mouth. I have yet to figure it out, but there it is. My crutch. But that is not all, no no. there's more (isn't there always?).

I also believe that subconsciously I am keeping weight on my body as protection. Protection from attention. There were times in my life where I was comfortable enough with myself to start to take care of my body, and I lost over 70 pounds. I started jogging and I loved it. It was the outlet I needed for any frustrations, I fought past that 1/4 mile mark, the 1/2 mile mark, and eventually I could jog 3 1/2 miles straight, without stopping.

And then the attention started.

Needless to say, there were a few boys involved and there were some things I wish I had the spine to say to them or just say "I'm worth more than this" and cut them out of my life. There was one relationship where I stopped jogging, stopped being happy, and started stressing out more. This ended up in weight gain. I had gained back 42 pounds of my 70 I lost. I stopped getting compliments. I started to get comments. I hated myself for how I looked.

I met and married a wonderful man who loves me for me, no matter how I look and is constantly complimenting me. I had a beautiful daughter, with a stressful pregnancy. I gained 40 pounds with her. I ate and ate while I was pregnant. I was going to school full time and working part time at that point, so there was a lot of stress (seems to be a trend...), and her birth was the worst experience with the greatest gift at the end. I have yet to bounce back from that. 

So, when my sister did this elimination diet, I was very intrigued. I watched her through her experience and I feel like the simple drive to heal your relationship with food will get you through the 30 days. I started incorporating recipes from the book into my diet, and they were so yummy. I made a few and they were really good.

This will be no easy feat. I work full time, hardly any time to be at home chopping/dicing/slicing and preparing everything. Some of these recipes are involved, a lot of preparation, a lot of dishes. I hate dishes.

I want to say that my determination is strictly about my food-nat relationship, however it's not. I want to lose weight. I want to look better, feel better, act better. I want to say no to the doughnuts at work, the snacks and candy in the machine and take my time with the food instead of scarfing until I'm full in fear of someone else will take the food.

I have a LOT of issues to work through, this is a way to get some of them worked out. I have a fear of being "fit," being judged while eating in public, fear of food shortage or sharing (can't pin down that one). What I want is to take my time, enjoy the food, and be more aware of my body and how it responds.

I hope I have expressed this well enough, and didn't go on any curvy paths trying to get there. I could keep going because thoughts keep coming, but I'll just stop here.

I've decided to take this journey, make changes, improve on my quality of life, and just be better.

Day One.